"Hello boys and girls...or whatever. My name is Captain Jack Sparrow. Ah, I take it some of you have heard of me. As you may well know, there are times...almost constantly, in fact, where I prefer to look at the world through the bottom of a glass. Rum...something like this. You may have also heard whisperings and rumors that Jack Sparrow be recruiting a crew, to undertake a voyage to the Fountain of Youth. Not true, course not. But even if it were not true, you wouldn't be interested in joining me, would you. Eh? No, thought not. I do admit, that there be varied insubstantial dangers along the way, including, but not limited to, zombies, cutthroats, mermaids and the vicious and vivacious Penélope Cruz. Which is why I'm not going, no sir. Impossible to find the place anyway, no one knows where it is, plus I'd have to have a bloody map...or a bloody mary...or both. Which is not a bad idea, in fact, bloody mary. Bloody marys all around! It's on the mouse. Barman..."