Series 1, Episode 1: Cooking The Books Customer: Those books, how much?
Bernard: Hmm?
Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collective works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: They real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two hundred pounds...
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No...
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next! Manny: (reading from The Little Book Of Calm) Let let let let... let go once in a while, you're a loose lily floating down an amber river. Ahhh. Customer: I expect better service!
Bernard: Then expect away! Come on, get out all you time-wasting bastards, back on the street. Nick Voleur the accountant: Well you've got to help me out here, Bernard. What period does "all other times" cover?
Bernard: I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonderwoman.
Nick: This new system, it's very closely modelled on the old system, isn't it?
Bernard: I'd go further than that, Nick. I'd say it was more or less exactly the same. Except... no, it's the same. Bernard: "If you live in a council flat"... "beside a river"... "but are not blind"... WHAT? WHAT?! "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as Ma! Ma! That'll have to do. Ma... possibly deceased. Jehovah's Witness 1: Hello, we were wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.
Bernard: (desperate to avoid doing his tax return) Great! Come in!
Jehovah's Witness 1: What?
Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus! What's he up to now? Come on in, come on!
Jehovah's Witness 1: Are... are you sure?
Bernard: Yes! In! In! Come in!
Jehovah's Witness 2: It's a trick!
Jehovah's Witness 1: No... it's just... usually, people don't say yes.
Bernard: Well I'm not people! Come on in! Let's talk beliefs! Come in, come in. Grab a pew. Right, let's go.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Well, to be honest, we've never actually thought this far ahead. It's nice in here. "Indoors".
Bernard: What's your favourite story about our Lord?
Jehovah's Witness 2: Moneylenders! Has to be the moneylenders. Chasing them out of the temple...
Bernard: It is knock-out stuff, isn't it, yeah? And yourself?
Jehovah's Witness 1: Oh it's... it's all good. But I suppose when he, when he rescued, when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
Bernard: No, that's a story Jesus tells about the Samaritan who helped somebody else.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Really?
Bernard: Yeah.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Wow.
Jehovah's Witness 2: And I like the one where he went to dinner with the tax collector.
Bernard: (looks disgusted at the mention of tax) And do you have any literature or anything I could look at?
(Jehovah's Witnesses shake their heads)
Jehovah's Witness 1: Oh yes! Those books and magazines we have! Books and magazines! Manny: Ah. There you are. Time for my results?
Bernard: Hmm?
Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collective works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: They real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two hundred pounds...
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No...
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next! Manny: (reading from The Little Book Of Calm) Let let let let... let go once in a while, you're a loose lily floating down an amber river. Ahhh. Customer: I expect better service!
Bernard: Then expect away! Come on, get out all you time-wasting bastards, back on the street. Nick Voleur the accountant: Well you've got to help me out here, Bernard. What period does "all other times" cover?
Bernard: I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonderwoman.
Nick: This new system, it's very closely modelled on the old system, isn't it?
Bernard: I'd go further than that, Nick. I'd say it was more or less exactly the same. Except... no, it's the same. Bernard: "If you live in a council flat"... "beside a river"... "but are not blind"... WHAT? WHAT?! "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as Ma! Ma! That'll have to do. Ma... possibly deceased. Jehovah's Witness 1: Hello, we were wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.
Bernard: (desperate to avoid doing his tax return) Great! Come in!
Jehovah's Witness 1: What?
Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus! What's he up to now? Come on in, come on!
Jehovah's Witness 1: Are... are you sure?
Bernard: Yes! In! In! Come in!
Jehovah's Witness 2: It's a trick!
Jehovah's Witness 1: No... it's just... usually, people don't say yes.
Bernard: Well I'm not people! Come on in! Let's talk beliefs! Come in, come in. Grab a pew. Right, let's go.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Well, to be honest, we've never actually thought this far ahead. It's nice in here. "Indoors".
Bernard: What's your favourite story about our Lord?
Jehovah's Witness 2: Moneylenders! Has to be the moneylenders. Chasing them out of the temple...
Bernard: It is knock-out stuff, isn't it, yeah? And yourself?
Jehovah's Witness 1: Oh it's... it's all good. But I suppose when he, when he rescued, when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
Bernard: No, that's a story Jesus tells about the Samaritan who helped somebody else.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Really?
Bernard: Yeah.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Wow.
Jehovah's Witness 2: And I like the one where he went to dinner with the tax collector.
Bernard: (looks disgusted at the mention of tax) And do you have any literature or anything I could look at?
(Jehovah's Witnesses shake their heads)
Jehovah's Witness 1: Oh yes! Those books and magazines we have! Books and magazines! Manny: Ah. There you are. Time for my results?